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I’ve never shared this story with anyone as I thought it was an issue, only when reading other people’s stories and researching was harassment and sexual assault is did I realize that what had happened to me was wrong.
I agreed to see a guy I had been speaking to for a while, I was up in the early hours and was feeling upset and homesick and very low and he said he would come and just watch TV with me and stay until I fell asleep so he knew I was okay. He made his move and I felt comfortable with just kissing him, however it soon became more than that. He touched me and pushed himself on me and I froze, I felt like I couldn’t breathe and he was telling me to say certain phrases and I didn’t, he said he was just being dominant but he’d hit me and I cried out in pain and he thought it was pleasure. We didn’t have normal sex, he instead decided to steal my anal virginity. I cried and begged him to stop, he said “you’re not trying hard enough for me” and I tried to pull away and he grabbed me and held me there. I cried and bit down on my wrist to stop me from crying and pulling attention to the situation because I was scared he’d hurt me. I was bleeding and he just said “go clean yourself you filthy slut” and I cried, he then got dressed and left and then never spoke to me ever again.
I blamed myself, I should have known what his intentions were. I shouldn’t have said he could come to my flat. I shouldn’t have let him kiss me, I should have screamed out for help and been brave. I haven’t spoken about that night since it happened because it disgusts me, I was weak and vulnerable and I feel I allowed him to take advantage even though I said no and told him
to stop. I wish I could change how I feel and take it all back, but I can’t. But I haven’t had any guidance or help, it’s been about a year and I just try and repress it however it’s changed my relationship with my
body and guys - I am dating a new guy and I’m too scared to tell him in case he thinks I’m disgusting, but I don’t want to have sex with him yet because I haven’t had sex since then.
This post was shared with us via email. The writer requested to be kept Anonymous
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